4 posts tagged “death”
The 23rd of this month was Joe's Anniversary. One whole year that he's been gone. I knew it was coming, but I had been so absorbed in my own anniversary, that I almost forgot exaclty where Mike and I first met. It still makes me sad. I still can't watch the muppets withouth thinking about him. We shared our own little friendship. We would talk alot in IM's. He hated the phone. And he and I would just chill over at his place. He'd always drop nice little awkward bombs on me about his past. From what I learned after his death, he never told his whole story to anyone person. We kind of piced things together after he was gone. I just wish there was something, anything we could have done to make things better for him. But the fact of the matter is, nothing would have made Joe happy. He had money, he had friends, and he.... well, I don't know. He just had issues. He once told me that he perferred not having money. When he scrounged at Office max, he was content with the meager existence. When he went to work for the DoD, he began to make a good deal of money. Rob had gone off with his girlfriend, Jeremy had to go out on a cruise, and Joe was left alone... with Aeris. I miss Aeris. She was the cute little kitten that Christine snuck in and harbored in the apartment. *sigh* I miss the days where we'd just sit down stairs at the old apartment, watch silly shows, drink, play kareoke revolution, and just hang out. I miss the good old days. It feels like forever ago, but it can't have been more than three or four years ago, if that. Atleast I have that warmth in my heart, from the days when we were all good friends and hung out together. Now, I never see anyone. It hurts. I don't like growing up.
But alas, its gotta happen sometime. So I sit back and I raise my glass to you Joe. This guiness is for you.... actually.... this beer is for you. Its the last extra stout left over from when Billy came home. I picked up the case just for Joe, either that or he brought it over. The way time flies. *sigh* I miss you Joe...
Its never fun to walk down this road.... Last night at about 1:something a.m. my step father passed away... Yeah
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't expecting it. He had terminal cancer, was 80 years old, had a broken hip.... And he
lasted longer than even I would have imagined. Joe's death was half expected, but it was still a slap in the face.
My fathers death was a complete surprise, which makes it almost physically painful, even ten years later.
But I've watched my stepdad deteriorate in the last few monthes.... It got so bad at one point I was praying for his
death. He was 66 years old when we first met, he was always a big and strong man. It seemed like there
wasn't anything he couldn't do. To watch him shrink and suffer through cancer and illness... was almost too much.
It hurts so badly, but at the same time there's a sense of relief. Is that bad? To lose him was bad enough, but then
there was also the task of telling my niece. She's been with us through the summer. She loved him so much, when
we finally had to tell her, you could almost hear her heart break. She knew that he was dying, but that still doesn't
prepare you for the initial shock. I can only hope that he's found peace. I just wish he knew just how much I loved him.
A poem that my brother in law wants to have read at the funeral.
Navy Hymn
~ Rev. William Whiting (1825-1878)
Eternal Father, Strong to save,
Whose arm hath bound the restless wave,
Who bid'st the mighty Ocean deep
Its own appointed limits keep;
O hear us when we cry to thee,
for those in peril on the sea.
O Christ! Whose voice the waters heard
And hushed their raging at Thy word,
Who walked'st on the foaming deep,
and calm amidst its rage didst sleep;
Oh hear us when we cry to Thee
For those in peril on the sea!
Most Holy spirit! Who didst brood
Upon the chaos dark and rude,
And bid its angry tumult cease,
And give, for wild confusion, peace;
Oh, hear us when we cry to Thee
For those in peril on the sea!
O Trinity of love and power!
Our brethren shield in danger's hour;
From rock and tempest, fire and foe,
Protect them wheresoe'er they go;
Thus evermore shall rise to Thee,
Glad hymns of praise from land and sea.
Well, thank goodness that I was scheduled for today off. But I still have to go into work tomorrow. It will be late, but I don't know if I have to open up. I don't know what I can handle right now. I still feel... on edge. I've dealt with death before, but never suicide. Jeremy will be back home next week. I wish it could be under happier circumstances. Today I had to tell Angie. I told a few people, but I was afraid with Angie. She's eight monthes pregnant and I didn't know how it would affect her. I went and told her in person. The phone almost broke me last night. I've been in and out all day. I can't stay in one place for too long. I can't stay idle or else I'll start falling. I don't want to be depressed over something I had no control over. I still don't understand why, and I don't think I ever will. For a long time now I've conditioned myself to be optimistic. I don't want to lose the little bit of optimism I have left. Its the only way for me to get through my days. My plans are weak and flimsy, but going to a friends funeral was definately not on the agenda. I still have no idea when that's going to be. Both Joe's parents and jeremy's parents are in a world that I hope to never be in. Ever. So, to try and get my mind off of things I went and saw a movie...
I took my friend Christine with me to see Accepted. It did a lot to lift our spirits a bit. It didn't make the hard feelings go away, but being able to laugh and forget for a while felt really good. There's a bad thunderstorm rolling in tonight. A little bit of rain has already fallen. Hopefully more will come and the plants will come back. Tomorrow is a new day. I can't stop because someone else decided to take their life. I need to keep living mine. After this weekend, perhaps with a little more ferver. Mark's accident, Angie's baby shower, and now Joe's death.... they all seem to form a sort of demented picture of life. The things that can happen, the birth new things, and the eventuality of what awaits us... and we have absolutely no control over any of those things. I've never been good at philosophizing... I think I'll try and get some sleep now. The thunder will be my lullabye...
This morning I was able to sleep in. It was good. I felt so incredibly comfertable in my nice soft comferter and on top of my fluffy matress. Then I woke up, procrastinated, went to my mom's house and did some stuff. Went to the store, went home and showered before work. Work was good. I got some really funny calls. Atleast they seemed a lot funnier then. I felt good though. I stepped out into the night air and just felt refreshed and vibrant. The cool wind felt good on my neck and cheeks. And to tell the truth, my libido was raging. And a special friend of mine just happened to have called me. He was on his way over, and I felt full of life. As I spoke to him on the phone, Another call had come in.... I shouldn't have answered it.
It was my friend. She was calling to tell me... that a friend of ours had died today.
He killed himself.... With a plastic bag. Talk about knocking the wind out of your sails. I've never actually been left speechless before. I always pretended because it was funny.... But I almost literally felt like someone had just kicked me in the stomach. I couldn't breath or think for a moment. And for a good twenty minutes, I was very close to hysterical. How The hell can someone decide that they are going to end their life today! What The FUCK! I mean.... Your life isn't yours to take. Its A Gift! We have to make the most of what we have in the little bit of time that we are allowed. And with a plastic bag? What in bloody hell! I thought suicide was supposed to be quick and painless! What the HELL Would Possess someone to STICK A PLASTIC BAG ON THEIR FUCKING HEAD AND SLOWLY KILL YOURSELF! I should have spent more time with him. But I didn't. I shouldn't have to baby sit my friends!
I am so tired right now... but sleep is the last thing I want to do...
